Monday, January 31, 2011

Day Six- Something you hope you never have to do

Something I hope I never have to do:

       This one is actually tough for me on a much deeper level. I feel like it forces you to think as morbidly as possible and considering I am not in the "brightest" spot in my life, you'd think that wouldn't be so hard.   I obviously don't want to do things like bury my parents or a sibling- which is inevitable to some degree. SO for me to say I hope I NEVER have to do it is truth, yet also blatantly unrealistic.  Those are obvious answers to the prompt and if I'm being "truthful" here, I think they are too easy.  I don't want to die. Or lose someone close to me. Or even a pet.  I don't want to have to shovel snow or mow my lawn.  I hope I never have to do any of those things.  But, I know I have to. 

SO I made myself sit here.  I forced myself to really think.  What do I really truly hope I never have to do? I decided that I hope that I never ever have to go through anything like this again-namely I hope I never have to actually talk myself out of taking my life. EVER AGAIN. I will not allow myself to be so low. You shouldn't have to talk yourself into living.  

So often people don't understand depression.  I'll get questions like "what happened?"  Honestly many times- nothing. No specific thing made me not want to get out of bed or made me unable to look at myself in the mirror.  Sometimes it's lots of things.  Other times it's nothing at all. There are good days and there are bad.  I am taking one day at a time these days.  I am going to work on me for a while-the right way.  & I hope I never have to start at rock bottom again.  

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Day Five- Something you hope to do in your life.

I made a list years ago. 

  • Get married in the same church as my parents
  • Touch a cloud
  • Be in two places at once
  • Find true love (hahahahahaha)
  • Change the life of a child
  • See my grandpa again
  • Have my own children
  • Return to Europe especially Italy
  • Visit every state in the U.S.A
  • Look down at the Grand Canyon
  • Take a cruise
  • Research my past
  • Create a family tree
  • Save someone’s life
  • Witness a miracle
  • Stay at a five star hotel
  • Go to a Superbowl
  • Go to a Stanley Cup
  • Go to a Shakespeare Festival
  • Kiss the Blarney Stone
  • Drink a pint in Dublin
  • Get a Spa Treatment that requires a team
  • Visit NYC during every season
  • See the Changing of the Guard
  • Travel to India

Some of those thing still have significance but seem so unimportant and material.  Yet now. Today. I want to:

Rediscover my love for dance. & never forget it again. 

Publish my book that I have been working on for years. 

Hear myself laugh more. 

Move on. Cry less. 


Saturday, January 29, 2011

Day Four- Something You have to forgive someone for

Just one thing? Fuck. 

Anyone who's been reading my blog knows the basic story  tragedy that is Shamus & I.  If you are new here,  I urge you to start at the beginning.  I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. 

Dear Shamus, 

You have done it again.  You have managed to take the light out of my eyes, that you yourself put there to begin with.  You have manage to take the air out of my lungs that you so often breathed life into.  And as for my spirt, if you see it, I'd like that back.  I have never been a believer of returning gifts bought in good times with good intentions, but I feel like my soul is quite a lot to carry around with you , and I'm sure your wife won't want it laying around your house anyway.  

You sir, have crushed me.  In a way that is indescribable and unimaginable.  You are a liar and thief.  How dare you barge into my life with assumptions and less than honorable intentions? How dare you take away the very best years of my life & poison them with hope & disguised affections? You clearly do not possess the ability to decipher right from wrong.  You are a cunning linguist, with your deceitful words that flow freely from your lips as easy as a breath.   

How could you look so deeply into my eyes and do the same for another?  My Oh My, what an eventful life you lead!  How tiresome it must be living two lives, having two women to provide you with every waking need, having two people to make feel special and loved, two to say goodnight & good morning to, two to give attention to, two to allow you to walk all over them on your high horse.  My once feeling of pure selflessness that you possessed has turned to pure selfishness.  You are nothing you said you were. 

 I suppose I should take some blame here as well… I put you up on that pedestal…. I made you to be a respectable man.  A man who cared.  You never gave a shit about me.  Ten years I loved you. Willingly & completely.  And now, you had one chance.  The one chance I have been waiting for for ten years.  You could have come clean.  Everything was out. Our dirty laundry was there for everyone to see and you had a chance to claim me.  To make this right.

  The chance to be a MAN.  

instead.......& You LIED. 

You lied to your boss. You lied to your wife. You lied to your friends, who know the truth by the way, so now you look really fuckin stupid.  What I find even more disturbing is the fact that you told your brother the truth & involved him in this disaster that we have created.  You asked him to break the law. Now seeing as how you are BOTH officers, I thought it was safe to assume that you knew better than to send him to your house and have him steal the letter addressed to your wife.  I don't blame you.  I was panicking too.  But, I wish she had gotten that letter.  She deserves that letter.  

I am so angry, disgusted, distraught, crushed, confused, anxious,  annoyed, infuriated, offended, and just plain devastated.  I can honestly say that what you have put me through, not only in the last ten years, but more so in the past 3 weeks, has been the hardest thing I have ever been through.  I hate to even give you that title, because quite frankly I don't think you deserve even that right now.  I don't know if I will ever forgive you.  I know that at some point in my life I should or may have to try just to move on. But right now, Shamus, I fucking loathe you.  I want you to hurt like you have hurt me.  I want to call your wife and tell her everything.  I want to see you cry real tears for once.   But I am better than that. I am better than you.  

 I see you in my dreams and I wake up sweating and crying.  I hear you in my thoughts and I can still smell you every so often on my bed.  But you- you aren't even human.  & right now, you don't deserve my forgiveness. 


                             "Not Even Human"

Friday, January 28, 2011

Day Three- Something you have to forgive yourself for


“Very often we are our own worst enemy as we foolishly build stumbling blocks on the path that leads to success and happiness.”

 Louis Binstock

Dear Fool, 

I have been meaning to have this conversation with you for a long time now.   Things need to change between us. Like NOW.  Most days I can't stand you.  I can barely stomach the sight of you, even though, the truth is you aren't "so bad".  If you could just tone up a bit and lose a little weight, you'd be back to the way I remember you.  The way you looked when I liked you. 

 I hate the way you keep everything inside and then when you eventually breakdown, it takes me weeks to pick up the pieces you left behind.  I am sick and tired of cleaning up your messes.  You need to learn to control your emotions.  Truthfully, maybe it's time you go talk to someone.  Who knows? It might help. 

I am even more disgusted with your  "nap times".  It is ridiculous that you are almost 30 and you still insist on taking a nap.  You have so much to do around the house, not to mention that time could be used for exercising. I think sometimes you sleep to dream and to forget.  You mind works like a crazy hamster on a wheel, and I know you have a hard time actually relaxing. But for fucks sake take yoga or something. It's not gonna kill you to get your ass out of bed and do something.  While you're at it, could you go tanning- you are fucking see-through.  The "Edward Cullen" look is so last year. 

Don't even get me started on the way you dress! When you dress up for work you look so nice.  Other days, even some work days(which the Mayor hasn't mentioned yet but I'm sure he will), you throw on jeans and that stupid black hoodie. Why on earth do you have so many hoodies?  News flash-not everything you wear has to be black either.  The lack of sleep that is clearly exhibited on your face is morbid enough. 

We have know each other for long.  We have been through it all.  I have watched you self destruct. I have watched you pick yourself back up and move on.  I have seen you grotesquely skinny and at your largest.  The sound of your laughter makes me giggle.  And when you cry it rips my heart out.  There is no one in this entire world I know so well as you, at lately I feel like we are strangers. 

 Please think about what I have said.  

Lastly, I want you to know- I NEED YOU TO KNOW-  I forgive you.  For all of it.  For the affair. For the times you neglected me.  For the too much vodka washed down with a bottle of wine. I even forgive you for smoking, for naps, for hoodies & baggy clothes, for self destruction, and self loathing.  I. Forgive. You. 

So can we move on now please? Can you get your shit together? Get to know each other again? and MAYBE, just maybe, we'll find out we really do love each other & can find that happiness you have always dreamed of.  Let's do that, mmmmkay?!

Thank. Loveyou. Meanit. 

Love always, 

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Day Two- Something You Love About Yourself

It is ridiculous how hard it is for me to answer this.  

What I love about me? hmmm.  Well, I love my legs.  They are long & thin & muscular (not in a creepy man kinda way) from years of dance. Sometimes I see men looking at them and I laugh a little-if they only knew what a Fool I've been

I love that I do really good things for ghetto kids.  I love how much I legitimately love them. Some of these kids have gone through things that are so unimaginable but they don't scare me. I think it takes a unique person to do what I do and I love that I do it. People don't get it. But I do. 

  I love that I am very thoughtful and I try to make everyone around me feel special.  Maybe it's because I never really did.

 I love my ability LOVE- when I love you-which I don't take lightly- I really love you. Even when it's  really hard and I have to work at it. I'd do anything for you-besides illegal shit, I don't do that for anyone.   

I love my sense of humor. Rose is one of the only people who things I'm funny but that doesn't matter because we can laugh about almost anything.  

I love my eyes. They are hazel most of the time.  Mostly I love them because my grandfather, who passed away, used to tell me they'd get me in trouble someday. He was right. 

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Day one- Something you hate about yourself

Nothing like starting out positive. Awesome. Ok. Here goes nothing. 

I don't know me much anymore.  I have been someone for 10 years. Someone that I am not even sure I like.  I decided to to this "30 day" for a little self exploration.  However, I must warn you 30 days is quite a bit of commitment for me. Just sayin. 

 Shit I HATE about me:

I hate that there are so many things that I hate about myself.  I hate that I don't like what I see when I even dare to look in the mirror. I hate my bingo arms.   I hate that I let people take advantage of me, despite the fate that I am an intelligent successful woman.  I hate that I give everyone else more forgiveness and appreciation than I am ever willing to give myself.  I hate that I can't remember the last time I was truly happy.  I hate that I have lived a lie for what should have been the best time of my life.  I hate that I wasted it on false hope. I hate that when I look at old pictures of myself I see a huge smile and I don't know where that smile went.  I hate having my picture taken but there are so few pictures of me at family gatherings and holidays I often feel forgotten or unworthy of a photo.  I hate that I appear to have it all on the outside but the insides are so empty.  I hate that I am so obsessed with dieting and losing weight as if being thinner will fill that void I'm always trying to fill.  I hate that I have smelly feet.   I hate that I don't believe in true love anymore and have somehow allowed myself to believe that I will never find it.  That I perhaps don't deserve it.  I hate that   I am often  pessimistic & hardened.  I hate that I care so much about what other people think. I hate that I can think of hundreds of more things that I hate about myself.  

But mostly, I hate that I had an affair with a married man which is beyond wrong and has led me to believe that I will never be happy without him & even though I never really "had" him, the scraps of him & "take what I can get's" attitude sustained me for so long.  

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Shit & Syphilis

         Naturally, I came down with some violent form of the Swine Flu. I think the "wear & tear" of not sleeping and extreme stress finally took it's toll on my body.  I spent most of the last 6 days on the couch. The good news is that it MADE me rest.  This Virus of Death demanded it. I tried to fight it, however ended up surrendering to this much needed sleep.   The bad news is it also gave my mind ample time to roam and rummage through the events of the past two weeks.  

      I STILL cannot wrap my head around all of this.  One moment I am mad and determined to get through this and "SHOW HIM" & lose weight & "worry about me for once".   The next,  I'm a small girl holding my knees and sobbing with fear & devastation.  I can't seem to get a hold of myself or my emotions just yet, but I am trying to give them a chance to run their course just like this damn cold.  

 I don't have a fuckin clue about most things right now.  But there are a few things I have discovered in the last week:

1. I certainly have no idea what the future brings for me.  I am not excited about that either.  If you have forgotten, I am pretty OCD.  I don't like change and/or conflict and its sets me right over the edge.  As you are presently witnessing.  I am sick of everyone calling this "a new beginning" and "oh hey Fool, think of it this way- you get to move on and he's gonna be so miserable with his wife and his fake friends".  Ok Listen- that DOES NOT make me feel better.  If you are calling me to tell me his dick fell off due to some rare disease he contracted from his wife and they will both suffer for eternity-maybe? But the bullshit about "he's the one who's losing out" is crap and you and I both know it. 

My drug of choice
2. I have developed a deep relationship with TheraFlu.  That shit is amazing.  The "Warming Relief" is the new black.  My "jump off",  if you will.  It not only makes me feel warm and fuzzy, it also knocks me the fuck out.  I commend you Maker of TheraFlu! 
You have pioneered the way for crazies like me to have at least a few decent hours of sleep in your drug-induced coma.  I am also particulary fond of your  sister product "Apple Cinnamon" tea.  It gently rocks me to sleep in hopes of not remembering my dreams nightmares .  TheraFlu embraces me like he never did. Fail. 

3. Taylor Swift gets me.  I hate to admit this, but that little bish knows what she's talkin about in the L.O.V.E department.  I personally think someone needs to get her drunk and take advantage of her, then she'd really know how it feels, however the songs she writes have phenomenal lyrics, especially for the broken Fools. I hate that I love her but "Dear John", "Mean", "Story of us", & of course "Last Kiss" are on repeat. Don't. Tell. Anyone. 

4.  People are INSANE.  This is certainly not limited to me.  People in general are fucked.  I mean who writes fuckin anonymous letters? Who lies to the Chief of Police? I'll give you a hint-itwasntme.   (ahemmshamusahemm) Who hurts others intentionally? Murderers. Hoarders. Cat ladies. Dog whisperers.  What is going on in this world? I think we really all have a little bit of crazy in us and it just takes the "right" person at the "right" time to bring it all out. 

5.  It's a hard lesson to learn who your real friends are.  Yet sometimes life doesn't let us ignore said lesson.  Sometimes life sends you anonymous letters and send you into a fit of depression/rage/sadness/anger/mania.  However life decides to punch you in the dirt star, it's always good to reassess your relationships & know who you can and cannot trust.  Thank God for Rose & Sharon & Merril(Shamus's sister-in-law & Bro).  Someday I'll breathe again because of them.  

6.  I think I'm going to do the 30 days of Truth.  I want to get reacquainted with myself and I don't mean by masturbating or giving myself some over-the-sweater-heavy-petting you creeps.  I need to take this time to remember who I am and what I love & hate & need to work on.  I don't remember myself without this and that is really sad.  I realized today that I haven't looked in the mirror in a long time and known who I see or even liked who I see. I mean I use a mirror to do my make-up everyday, but I don't see me.  I don't know where my smile went or who that girl is.  I need to find her again.  

7. Finally, Irish mothers are crazy mystical creatures who's look could destroy you and approval could breathe life into the depths of your soul.  They rarely hug or say "I love you's" or show much emotion at all.  That night of the rock bottom incident she was right there to save the day with some not-so-sympathetic words but that "mother" thing that somehow makes you feel entirely better in an instant.   She even told me the only thing she cares about is if I am happy! Who knew?(She probably said that because she knew we'd never actually end up together, thus ensuring she never needs to actually be nice to him-not that she'd pretend.  If she doesn't like you- you know it. True. Dat. Son. T.D.S.) Growing up she used to say "if you are looking for sympathy you'll find it in the dictionary between shit & syphilis."  I know, warms the heart doesn't it?  Almost like the TheraFlu. 


Wednesday, January 19, 2011

From the Bottom...

I never wanted to write this.  I never wanted to admit he fooled the Fool.  Again. 
~ However, my fiends, it's true.  ~

I spent the better part of last week in the Chiefs office sticking up for Shamus while being 100% truthful with myself  & the Chief.  I went on rants about how  he can be an asshole, a HORRIBLE boyfriend, and a shitty husband but he is an EXCEPTIONAL officer.  I begged for his job and took more blame for this than I deserved. (Let's not forget I AM NOT MARRIED! & I HAVE NOT banged him during MY work hours!Justsayin)  In between visits to the chopping block, I spent countless hours with his brother and on the phone with him.  We "talked through" it.    We vowed to "stick together" and we said "I love you's".  There were tears shed.  His. & His brothers.  This was going to be really fuckin hard.  On both of us.  But we'd get through it.  Because we have to and because, well, we always do.  

I was scared.  I was anxious.  I was crushed.  But every time I heard his voice, I believed I had the strength to do this.  
I received a phone call from the Chief yesterday at 3:20pm.  He basically told me that "his job was done and he has done an investigation and as far as he is concerned this is over because it's a he said/she said situation"..... "Oh and Fool, one more thing, I gave him a direct order not to have ANY contact with you.  So even if you call him or text him he is NOT to answer. " 

Ummmm.  WHOAAAAAAAAA. Hold on! 

Seriously? After all that.  After the dragging me down there and forcing me to lay out all of my dirty laundry? I took those "skeletons" that have lived so quietly in my closet, and I put them in my purse, and I brought them to the police department for everyone to see. I let you finger print them and poke and prod around them like they were a dead body with no feelings or say in this.  I did not cry. I did not show much of any emotion.  

 And all he has to say to me is "it's over. & I've done what I could do."  


SO let me get this straight... Shamus looked in your fucking face and he lied to you.  The tears that he cried this past week were fake.  The "we'll get through this" and the "we're in this together's"  and "Im going to tell her as soon as I get home" were are a fucking lie? and to make matters worse you just gave him a free fuckin pass to NOT have to answer to me. At All. EVER?

Is this really happening? 

Have you even absolutely hit rock bottom? Have you ever had those pills in your hand and legitimately considered taking them? I did. Yesterday. 

I flipped the fuck out.  I was in my office when I got the call and I started crying. I hadn't cried in forever. I'd venture to say years.   It's kind of a joke with my sisters & Rose because I CANNOT cry. They tell me I am like "Amanda" (Cameron Diaz) in "The Holiday".  I tell them I cried so much over "The one who shall not be named" I just can't do it anymore.  I refuse to waste my tears on anyone.  I can't even cry when you are supposed to cry.  It's really obscene.  

Last week when this first happened, I pulled out all the stops.  I rented "The Notebook", "Dear John", and "Eat, Pray, Love".  I was determined to shed a tear.   Nothing. Van Damme.  Not one fuckin tear. I WANTED to cry.  I NEEDED to release it.  But I just couldn't make myself do it.  

 I couldn't seem to catch my breath as I screamed "I can't talk to you right now" to the Chief.  I had NOTHING to say to him.  I hung up.  I gasped for air and I could have sworn someone was sitting on my chest.  I tried to stand and I immediately fell to the ground and began puking.  Rose ran in and saw me in the fetal position hugging my garbage can. I tried to stand again and this time used my chair as a hoist.  I grabbed my coat and managed to get something along the lines of "I'm leaving" out of my mouth. I remember her telling me I shouldn't be driving but I didn't care.   I hoped I was going to crash.  By some miracle of God himself, I made it to my house.  Ran to the toilet and sobbed/puked/snotted.  I don't know how long I was there but my friend who works at the police department came running in my house to witness my violent shaking/puking/sobbing/snotting.  It was really pretty. I'm sure.  Shortly after my mother barged in too.  

I guess I was worse than I even knew and Rose was so scared she called my sister, who then called my mother, etc etc.  In between bouts of up-chuck & wailing I told my mother. EVERYTHING.  She was much more supportive than I ever imagined her Irish-Catholic-teeth grinding-red faced-I can destroy you with just one look-self to be.  She was stern but was understanding.   She took me out to dinner. Even though I didn't want to go.  She made me eat. Even though I could barely stomach the thought of food.  She made me talk even when I could barely speak.  She made me promise I wouldn't do "anything stupid" because it would ruin HER life. (Ummm hellooo mother-not about you. Jaykay) As rationality crept in again I realized no man is worth taking your life over.  Especially one who would deny you, after all these years.  

Funny thing about mothers.  They know.  More than you think. 

And Rose, she saved my life today.  She tends not to offer much advice, ever. She is an exceptional listener, but I often feel like she is sick of hearing the same shit from me.   There are so many times, I don't even know what is going on in her life because she is about as open as a double bolted vault, but she is one of the only people on this earth that knows me enough to know my rock bottom.  She saw it yesterday with her own eyes.  Someday we'll laugh about it and she'll find a really funny ecard about getting over myself or she'll say "stop playing the victim" and I'll say "ok pot-meet kettle" and we'll roll our eyes at each other and laugh.  But yesterday. She saved my life. 

Thank you all. Every one of you.  You-Who have commented and read and written "penis" and made me smile because I don't care how old you are the words "wiener & penis" will always make yo smile.  You keep me going.  You give me something to look forward to.  You remind me I am ok.  Something that started out as so funny has become a tragedy yet again. & I do apologize for that.  I'll be funny again some day soon. I promise.  Thank you from the bottom of my broken heart.  

Monday, January 17, 2011

The Tangled Web I Weave...

Ohhhh where do I even begin?!

              He came home Friday evening.   Just in time for his mother's 60th birthday party. (Oh, did I forget to mention that his mother invited me. Andddd I may have made her a video montage of her entire life, per her request.  Yea I'm that girl. BFF with the fam. Lovin life.) I am also best friends with his brother & sister-in-law, who both know everything and have always been very supportive of me.  You'd think it would be awkward but it's really not.   Lord knows they could have told me,  years ago when they found out, I was a raging whore and they never wanted to speak to me again. But they didn't. The have loved me and made me a part of their family and I couldn't be more thankful for that.  

            To make a long boring story short, his brother intercepted the letter addressed to his wife.  I can't seem to decide if this is good or bad. Because now he doesn't have to tell her.  Which I think is complete bullshit and it makes me sick to my stomach to even think that all of the "we're in this together" & "I'm going to tell her when I get home" lines he has been telling me on the phone this week aren't true.  See, the thing is, I want to believe him.  I want to believe that our talks on the phone from half a world away meant something & the fact that I was interrogated like a fuckin murderer by the Chief made him really care.  I told him I WOULD NOT lie for him.  I told him I love him and I would do anything for him. ANYthing but lie.  I refuse. He wasn't real happy about that, but what ya gonna do? I may be a whore but I am not a liar.  He should know that by now.    

          Saturday afternoon I attempted to take a nap and was awoken by POUNDING on my front door. And I mean pounding.  It was the fuckin Mayor.  He was kinda pissed at me but look strangely relieved to see me. Turns out he thought I committed suicide because I didn't answer my phone.  Seriously? I was trying to sleep for the first time in a week. Honestly- LET ME BE!!  At least he's concerned I guess.
      Naturally as fate would have it, my mother pulled up 2 minutes after I let him him.  After he left she asked me why he was there with this very disturbed curiosity.  As I conjured up my excuse, I knew this wouldn't be the last of this conversation.  She bought it for the time being at least.

            After my brother's birthday dinner, she came over to the chair I was sitting in and sat on its arm.  "So are you gonna tell me the fuckin truth about why the Mayor was there today?" she said tersely.  "I don't really wanna talk about it" I told her.  
           "Is it Shamus?" she asked quite bluntly.  My stomach dropped.  I should have known I couldn't hide shit from her.  I admitted it was and gave her the Sesame Street version of the story for now.  I figured I could fill her in later.  SInce then she has fired of double rounds of questions I have tried to answer without breaking down.  I guess we're going to talk tonight.  Def looking forward to that. SIKE.  

Mrs. Shamus = OctoMom
             He's getting called in today. Probably within the next hour & Im a wreck. Why is doing the right thing always the hardest? We have been banned from speaking until the "investigation" is over because now the unions are involved.  AWESOME! SO yet again I'm in this "alone" for now.  Freaking out.  The truth is the only person who's going to lose anything in this whole fucking mess is ME.  Yay! I'm sure nothing will happen to him today which will reinforce the fact that he won't "need" to tell wifey.  I have to admit I HIGHLY doubt this is the end of this little tirade by the "concerned citizen".  And I'm guessing if this person is a part of our department, they most likely know that wifey didn't get the letter, and will fire off a few more.  I also have to admit, i hope she finds out.  Not even for me, but because the more and more I think about it, and the more and more I dislike, I still believe she has the right to know.  She is the mother of his children and she deserves to know.  Even if she wants to keep having babies to keep him around. 

All I ever wanted was for him to pick me. Just once.  

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Ohh You're soooo fucking "CONCERNED"??

Go Fuck Yourself
  You are just so fucking concerned aren't ya? What a great Citizen you are!

     I received a letter today at my office.  I guess the "Concerned Citizen" is really concerned.  Awesome.  Remind me next time I decide to mind my own business that I should simply write an anonymous letter to EVERYONE I can think of.  Just to make sure they get the point, suggest me to write several letters and send them periodically as a constant reminder of their faults.  Every other day should really fuck their heads up.  It's genius. 

This is what I got today.

Dear Ms. Fool;
As you are aware there will be a hearing in regard to your actions that have taken place with Capt. Shamus while he has been on duty.  
Let me be frank and honest DO NOT LIE FOR HIM! He will look out for only one person and that is HIMSELF! DO NOT RISK your job!!!!
Be smart and know that you have the truth and so do OTHERS who WILL NOT LIE FOR YOU!!!!
Too many people know the truth as well as pictures of him going in and out of your residence.  

Just remember all the people who you have talk to about your affair with Brian.  NOT EVERYONE will keep their mouth shut for you or him!! 

Someone who knows the truth

      As if that wasn't bad enough to open today at 11:00 am in the morning, I just found out the Chief of Police received another letter as well.  This, my friends, is a fucking disaster.  

    Did I kind of always know this day was coming? Yes. I suppose in the back of my mind I had always thought it may come out.  I certainly didn't think it would be this way.  I am not proud of being "the other woman" but I refuse to lie. For anyone.  Even the man I love.  I WILL NOT lie.  Talking about s-ing his D should be real fun to tell the Chief of Police & the entire board.  Can't wait.  But I will take responsibility for my actions.  And I will tell the truth.  

However I figured I'd write the fucker back. 

Dear Concerned Citizen;

     I appreciate your wave of letters with your obvious concern for my personal life as well as my sex life.  I am so thankful that you chose to do this anonymously, as I would probably show up at your house with 37 ghetto kids and shank you.  
      It is true. Shamus and I have had an ongoing affair for some years now.  I am not sure when it counts as an "affair" as he was not married the entire time.  Regardless of this fact,         I am so glad that you took the time out of your clearly full and busy life to entertain the lives of so many.  I find it most exciting that you are attacking a very well respected police officer that has not one mark on his record and obviously trying to take away everything he loves. Including me.  You must have such gumption! I know I personally come across people who do things morally wrong every day, but to have the guts to attack someone's livelihood must be very exhilarating! Why tell them your distaste for their actions to their face when you can send a fucking letter.  
       I have  found that what a man does with his dick typically has no affect on how he preforms at work.  I will tell you he is quite a hand full in the bedroom and preforms outstanding in that area. He also happens to be one of the best police officer I have EVER come across and it's extremely sad to me that his hard work is being jeopardized because of something that has nothing to do with his work.  He has never missed work to fuck me.  He has never missed an emergency to fuck me.  He has never missed a call to fuck me.  He certainly hasn't missed any tickets to fuck me.  He almost never takes a lunch break, even to fuck me.  I am sure you are allotted a lunch break at your job, if you even work at all.  
      He has been shot at, bitten, kicked, punched, trapped in between a car during an armed robbery & had his ribs crushed, stabbed with a dirty needle, spit on, bled on,  and mother fucked.  He has broken his shoulder & foot in the line of duty.  He serves on the Emergency Response Team, the SWAT team, is in charge of training, matrons, equpitment & uniforms, arms training, the mobile command center, & every event in this city. He has been given NUMEROUS awards for his acts of bravery, most recently for talking a suicidal woman off a bridge.  I can see where you would think he "isn't doing his job" because he definitely doesn't have enough going on.  
     It's funny that you should mention not to lie for him, as I am not a liar at all.  Ever.  If you know me, as you state you do, I suggest you reevaluate our relationship. You are phony, greedy, selfish, dishonorable, prideful,  fake, deceitful, shady, cruel, impatient, mean, arrogant, careless, clipped, predatory, shallow, weak, harmful, cowardly, hardhearted, destructive, egocentric, and you are a thief. You LACK integrity, character, honesty, trustworthiness, self-control, strength, and a CONSCIENCE! Go run off and "PRETEND" you are doing this because you are "concerned".  Sign your name. Come to my face.  Show me these pictures.  But keep whatever personal fuckin boner you have against him to yourself. I realize that I was only a "means to an end" and you clearly could not find any other way to destroy him.  Believe me, I know first hand it is almost impossible to get to him.  SO thank you so much for being so concerned.  Thank you for using me in your little plot.  I cannot wait to meet you- as soon as the fingerprints are done processing.  


Monday, January 10, 2011

Dear Concerned Citizen;

Go. Fuck. Yourself. 

It's Friday at about 3:45pm and I'm just about to pack up for the weekend & go home.  My office phone rings and it's one of my friends who works in the Police Department. She also happens to be very close to the Mayor.  She casually asks me what I am doing that night and I tell her I have my niece then I have no plans.  Then she says I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.  I can sense the urgency in her voice, not only because we've had this conversation before, but also because there is an eerie silence after this direct & blunt statement.  Hesitantly, I say       "ok. Well is it good or bad?"  

"You're going to be crushed."

      My stomach dropped.  My arms went numb & I am pretty sure I lost conscientiousness for a second or two.  The last time she spoke those words to me I was manically signing on to the newspapers website to read 57 comments about me.  Saying things like "What's more frightening is the plastic surgery she's has in a, obviously, futile attempt to control her weight.  I think she's still making payments on it-yet, clearly it hasn't worked."  & "Shamus is obviously NOT thinking with his brain. That will probably hit him like a brick when his Wife is told point-blank about the affair, although I can't believe she doesn't know- it's been going on since BEFORE they became engaged- through the Wedding, one child & now a second child is on the way."  

      That was February 18th of last year.   THAT sent me into a deep depression that took me months to get out of and my heart still isn't healed.  Picture every single thing you are self-conscious about.  Things that you don't even verbalize to your closest friend.  Now see that in black & white print on the internet.  For everyone in your community to see, including you grandmother who might be the single most religious person you're ever met.  Yea, picture that.  

"A letter was received today from a "Concerned Citizen". she tells me.  "It's about you and Shamus".  

"FUCK. O.K.  What does it say?"

To Whom It May Concern;

I am writing to you as a concerned citizen of the City of HELL.  

I have witnessed an affair between City Of Hell Police Captain Shamus & Fool.  
An affair that has been going on for some time.  It has been a documented affair and is well known not only in the police department but the entire city.  Captain Shamus is not only a married man but someone who is and should be look at as a role model. While on duty their affair has been photographed & witnessed on more than one occasion going in and out of Fool's place of residence. 

I hope that with this letter an investigation can take place, because what someone does on their own time is their business, but when we as citizens pay the salaries of these officers and this is how they spend their time, it is disgusting and people should be held accountable for their actions. 


Concerned Citizen

Yes friends... that letter was sent to the Chief of Police, the Mayor of my city who doubles as my boss, and the entire Police Board.  To put it mildly-looks like the cats outta the bag. 

So now what? 

I have no fucking clue. The good news is that this time it's a direct attack on him and it doesn't call me fat.  Which I know is minimal considering what is most likely going to transpire in the following week, however, it does make me feel better.  The additional bad news is that Shamus is out of town until Friday so I basically have to bang my head against the wall for the nest 5 days wondering what will happen.  We spoke the Saturday night and I was basically too numb to even comprehend what he said.  Surprisingly enough, he wasn't mad or mean or placing blame on me.  I certainly didn't have my thoughts together and honestly have no clue what I want to say to him or how to say it.  However, I know that I need to get EVERYTHING I possibly can off my large plastic surgery chest before he gets home because he plans on telling "Wifey" about the letter.  I am guessing he will not admit to "us" despite the fact that now would be the time to do so.  

Remember the other day when I asked God for a little assistance?  I said I was at a crossroad and needed some help.  Mysterious ways people.  Very mysterious ways.  

If you need me, I'll be self-loathing, drowning in a bottle of vodka/Xanax & rocking back and forth in a padded room.