Friday, March 4, 2011

And there is no one there to dry your tears...

When does the “goods” outweigh the “bads”?  When is “enough” enough?  At what point do you cross that line that you have been staring at in the distance for months?
 (I know it's long... but let's be honest.... what else are you doing??!!..) 
Saturday afternoon I threw a wedding shower for a friend of mine at my parent’s house.  Naturally.   Their house is way cooler than mine and significantly larger.  My piss poor attitude towards never-ending happiness and marital bliss mixed wonderfully with the colors & snack sized sandwiches.   I tried my best to put my signature fake smile on.  I used extra concealer to cover the remnants of the night before’s nightmares. 
 He was there. 
He’s always there.
 Taunting me. 
The second I close my eyes, and I fight it so fucking hard, he’s there.  Offering that glint of hope.  “Dreams are a wish your heart makes”.   The “what if’s” and “somedays” creep in and manage to poison the following lucid hours, haunting my thoughts.  
Sharon was there, his sister in law, and his brother too.  Sometimes looking at him, that quick glance or his slightest gesture sends a flood of emotion over me.  Sometimes it hits too close to home and for that one tiny fraction of a second, I think it’s him, and I shake my head to jumble the thoughts and make them go away.  Eventually they settle and rearrange themselves.  The vicious cycle begins again. 
Saturday was hard.  I was mad.  I was angry at myself for allowing myself to feel this way.  I was mad at my subconscious for letting him in.  Pissed at weddings and marriage and quite frankly irate with mini sandwiches.  I could barely look at Sharon and found it almost impossible to make eye contact with his brother.  “How am I ever going to get through this?” crept in again.  And I let it.  “How do I separate them from him?”   They were among the few that didn’t walk away.  How can I push them away when they have done nothing wrong?

I spent the day in the kitchen with his brother.  I spent the day in my thoughts.  Holding my breath to hold the tears.  Faking excitement over towels and that “really good” knife set. 
My phone rings and it’s one of my sisters.  She is enroute to the mall with my mother and there is panic in her voice. 
Her:  Can you go to dad’s place IMMEDIATELY? Mom and I are 20 minutes away and someone broke in.  The police are there waiting. 
Me: Holy shit.  Ok.  On my way. 

My father has a business in the center of the city, which is less than a mile from their house.  I can’t help but wonder if this is my fault.  If the “letter writer” has struck again? If this break in has something to do with the one at my office? 
I speed there, recklessly at best.  I am expecting numerous cop cars and flashing lights.  They pull out all the stops for us around here.  My father takes excellent care of them.  Much to my surprise there is not one cop car in sight.  Not. One.
That’s weird, I think.  Maybe they are at the front of the building? So I drive around the block.  Nothin.
Confused and beginning to get slightly angrier I sit in my car and wait.  You never walk into a building alone.  You never walk into a building alone.  Fool- STAY IN YOUR CAR DAMNIT!! 
I can feel my blood pressure rising as my mother & sister pull up.
We enter together.  Everything seems to be ok.  Just then, one of the officers pulls up that is a good friend of mine. 
He’s overly  happy in a nervous laughter way.  “Heyyyyy Fool!”.
“Hey, Where the hell were you guys? My dad said you were waiting here for us.”
He lowers his head and raises his hands in surrender.  “I was told by my supervisor to CLEAR.”
(CLEAR is when they are told to leave. I bet you’ll never guess who is the only one who has the authority to CLEAR?)
“Is Captain Cocksucker (Shamus) working tonight by any chance? I ask bluntly.
“Fool, I was told by my SUPERVISOR to CLEAR” he emphasizes. 
“Ok, buddy.  That’s all I need to know. “
 “Don’t you get me in the middle of anything!” he yells as he gets back into his patrol car. 
“NEVER!” I respond as I slam my car door shit. 

I begin to shake.  I get back to my parents and I can hardly catch my breath.  His brother & sister-in-law are there to pick up the pieces again. I scream and rant.  So angry I can't even cry.  I will never push them away.   
He has been following me- Shamus -for weeks.  To the point that I considered switching cars with my friend for a few days just to prove a point. I write down when I see him but somehow I wonder if that would do anything anyway.  I see him parked down the street from my house.  I know he knows what I am doing at ALL times and with whom.  We’ve played this game before.   It almost used to flatter me.  Who am I kidding?  It did.  Because in some sick twisted way it meant he cared.  I put up with it.  I have and I continue to for years and years and he suffers no consequences.  He never has. 
He can play his little games with me all he wants.  I am used to it and I have come to expect it from him.  It’s about power and it’s about control.  However, I WILL NOT tolerate putting my family in jeopardy.  My father literally saved his life… and this is how they treat him? Not acceptable.   
I have been trying to nail down my father all week to tell him what happened as he was out of town and I am pretty sure will flip out when he finds out the truth.  I want him to call the Chief and play dumb and just ask “Hey what happened at my place? & why did no one stay?” ( It is procedure to wait for a key holder, FYI.) If the complaint comes from my father, I have a feeling it will be taken a little more seriously. 
I attempted to talk to my mother about this.
ME: “I need dad to call the Chief about that incident.”
Mom: “NO! We are not playing into the “Shamus Show”. Just ignore him! He’ll get the hint! I want him OUT OF YOUR LIFE Fool” she almost yelled.
ME: “Mom, he’s not stopping.  He won’t stop. I can assure you. And in “ignoring” him, all you are doing is making it progressively worse for me.”
She starts talking to my neice. 
ME: “Ok. I gotta go.”
CLICK.

I don’t know what else to do, friends.  But I seriously don’t know how much more I can take.  I am the protector and I can’t protect them.   I am the fixer and I can’t fix this.  How far is he going to push me.
 I am not proud of what I have done but I am thankful for it.  I have made so many mistakes.  And I have no one to blame but myself. I have no problem taking that blame; however I know in my heart of hearts, I do not deserve this.  I know I did the right thing in telling the truth, regardless of my flaws, I know I did what was right. 

 So at what point does the good outweigh the bad?  When is “enough” enough?  At what point do you cross that line that you have been staring at in the distance for months?




12 comments:

  1. I can't tell you what to do. Quite frankly, I'm sure you wouldn't put too much stock into it, anyway. But you have to do what you know in your heart of hearts should be done. If you turn it in, are you going to regret it hours/days/years down the road? Do what you have to do that is going to ease your mind.

    I am such a "fixer," even in circumstances that don't involve me. I always feel like I need to rectify every single situation. And I'm pretty positive lately God's been trying to teach me to just rely on Him instead of trying to take matters into my own hands.

    Anyway, whatever you decide to do, I'm behind you. Praying things take a turn for the better VERY soon. Lots of love. ♥♥♥

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  2. I think it sounds to me like he's dangerous and you need to be really careful with this. YOu'll know when the time is right but don't tell anyone you have it. Not even on here. Trust no one with that kind of info. It might save your life.

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  3. Sorry, I just realized how bitchy the beginning of that comment sounded. I just meant that people have a way of already knowing what they're going to do, regardless of what people tell them. And I agree with Barb. Be very careful.

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  4. Dude, that's some shit right there. Seriously, for what it's worth, hold on to that recording. Don't play your hand till you ABSOLUTELY are cornered - what's the point in angering someone who's already pissed and crazy even more? While you have that, you have ammunition. Don't threaten him with it - you don't want any blackmail type of accusations, just keep it close. And when the time comes and you really need it? Use it. Then use it to get a restraining order or something.

    Be safe.

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  5. I am so so mad at Capt. Cocksucker right now. But I think you should hold on to the tape, coz it is the only piece of evidence you have, and things can still be taken into control. When there is no last resort, then you could use this one final Ace that you have. I seriously think you should take some action, in the sense talk to him, one on one, maybe just a sentence if you notice him around you. Ask him to eff off your life and behave like a responsible adult. If that does not work out, you could go for the extreme. You should still try talking to your Dad about this. I mean generally. Also, please make a copy of it and keep it safe where no one can find it out! You can do this, it's not the limit yet... Just a little more patience love... We're all here for you, sending you all the good vibes.

    Love
    xoxox

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  6. Make copies of the tape. If you do turn it in one day you need to have another one on hand in case "something happens" to the original. That's all I can really say about this post because I honestly don't know what the true specifics are of this situation and I don't want anything to happen to you or your family. My gut instinct says "turn it in!" but I'm also an emotional reactor and that may not be the most logical thing to do.. so on that very unhelpful note- just please make a couple copies of the tape for yourself.. just in case.

    I am in your corner 100%!

    xoxo,
    Erin
    L

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  7. Wowo that is some scary shit. I know personally how hard it is to walk away and start fresh. Forgetting is h a r d sometimes.

    I wish you peace and happiness.
    xoxxo

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  8. I play a game with myself, called "What is it that you really want?" And can you make it happen? And if so, how?

    If he left his wife now and came to your door, would you take him in? Or has his recent cowardly behavior made that less likely?

    Would you like him to keep 'stalking', just because it still is a form of caring? Or do you really, really, want to be left alone?

    For what it's worth, that might help you decide whether to take that final step or not.

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  9. There's been some great advice here already that I can't help but agree with.

    - Be careful, whatever you do. He has power, whether you like that or not, and you need to look out for yourself and your family in whatever ways you can.

    - Tell no one. That information has power also, and you'd like to keep as much of it for yourself as possible.

    - Make copies.

    - Ask yourself what you really want. After my last break-up, it was to a point where I was so used to missing him, that I never realized when I'd stopped missing him. I didn't even recognize the point where I'd registered what his true colors were and what that meant about the feelings I had for him. I was so busy mourning the version of my ex that was that I never noticed the version he'd become. Sit down with yourself and clearly think out what you want and how you actions will effect that.

    - Obviously we don't know all of the specifics, but my gut tells me that you should hold off for now. Stick it out a little longer. Let this wave of emotions pass. Hold out for a little longer.

    Lorraine

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  10. @Beanditch... I totally understood! Don't worry I didn't take it as bitchy.

    @Barb.. I shoul dprobably take this off or that part anyway....

    @Veg- I think you are right...I'm going to keep it until ABSOLUTELY neccessary.

    @Apfel- I did get to talk to Dad so that was good....I can't talk to him... "Not Allowed", plus I'd probably flip the fuck out..lol

    @Mrs. Bee- after the incident at my dad's place I was convinced now was the time to turn it in, but I think now that I calmed down I need to keep documenting...

    @Kitty... I could use all the good wishes I can get! Thanks. :0

    @Chris... I play that game almost hourly. As much as I wish I could, I will never be able to trust him again, so no I would not take him back now. I know now that I put up with the "stalking" for so many years because somewhere somehow it made me feel like he "cared". The farther and farther I am from the situation now, the more and more objectively i see this, I realize that this is toxic and if I don't take some steps to make things change, they never will. I know him well enough and I know myself well enough to know that it is now or never time. I have to end this once and for all.


    ~Thank you all so much for your kind words and well wishes. It really makes my day! You have no idea. I did get to talk to my dad Friday and I feel reallly good about that. I spent a lot of time with Sceet this weekend which was nice, so I think we are past our little "fight".... pretty good for a busy crazy weekend.

    Much Love
    xoxoxoxoxox

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  11. I may or may not have given you an award. Check here to find out: http://beanditch.blogspot.com/2011/03/im-winning-and-i-dont-intend-on-losing.html

    :)

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  12. YAY!!! Thank you so much! I will have to get on that! ASAP. <3 you lady!

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