Day Thirteen -What kind of heart doesn't look back?

I think today I might be ok.  I think today I won't be so sad.  And today, I think there is a faint light at the end of this tunnel.  I woke up early, which rarely happens.  And I think I might be ok. 

Today is family fun day-which usually turns into family fight night.  There are so many of us.  I am the oldest of 5 children who have now become adults with a variety of personalities and ticks.  We are very close, but you know how that is, each of our own needs, wants, desires- add my hilarity, my Sister1's beauty, my Brother's sarcasm, my Sister 2's anger, and Sister 3's airheaded-ness- typically makes for a very interesting evening.  Here's to hoping my brother doesn't call me a lesbian tonight for never bringing a date and my mother doesn’t get mad at me for wanting to go to the farthest snack stand at the hockey arena. 

The past few weeks it has been very hard for me to not only verbalize what I am feeling but to rationalize it as well.  I have these waves of emotion and most of the time I am almost embarrassed by them and refuse to reach out to everyone.  Being the oldest child, I have spent most of my life "having it together".  I am the goal setter.  The accomplisher.  I am the smart one and the nurturing one.  The second mom & the trusted confidant.  This role makes it hard for me to ask for help or admit defeat.  My mind goes a hundred miles a minute and I can't seem to lasso all of these thoughts into sentences.  I kept thinking- I'll write tomorrow.  I'll fill them in. I have so much to tell you, but so little energy to do so.

I started countless posts in my head over the past sleepless nights.  I keep thinking that today will be the day that I can come up with something to say.  The truth is I don’t know what to say.  This is almost worse than when everything was “going” on.  It’s the aftermath, where glances speak volumes, and whispers are heard loud. It’s when you are supposed to be fine, but you’re not.  When you’re friends don’t know what to say anymore and are quite frankly sick of hearing about it.  The real struggle is now.  The true test is trying to get to know myself.  Again- or maybe for the first time in my life. 

I listen to music.  A lot. But I really listen to lyrics.  Lyrics say things that I can't.  They felt what I feel but seem to be far more talented in describing exactly what I am thinking.  I find peace in music.

I honestly don't think I can chose just one artist.  Lately Sara Bareilles has consumed my vehicle.  Fiona Apple &  Ani DiFranco are for my "Angry Days".  "What Do You Want?" by  Jerrod Niemann has been on repeat.  Jason Mraz visits my ear drums while I'm cleaning and remembering better days.  Each one of them, from my Ganagster Rap friends like Biggie to my instrumental Jim Brickman moments, they all represent a mood, a feeling, a time in my life where I needed them.  I thank them all.  & I thank all of you.

I think today I might be ok.  I think today I won't be so sad.  And today, I think there is a faint light at the end of this tunnel.  I woke up early, which rarely happens.  And I think I might be ok.

Out of breath I am left..hoping someday...I'll breath again.