Thursday, March 10, 2011

Well, you and I, it's somethin' different... & I'm enjoying it cautiously

I live in a glass house & am talented in not throwing stones.  I am a big fish in a little pond.  I practice but I am not perfect.  I know that anything is possible if you believe.  And I am certain where there is a will there is a way. My skin is slowly getting thicker and I am learning to take things not so seriously.  I am really starting to wonder if everything does happen for a reason. 
It’s starting to get really annoying; everyone asking if we are dating. I guess we ARE together a lot.  So technically I can’t blame them.  They see the hurt in my eyes fading.  I laugh often when he’s around. It scares me.  But nonetheless, it’s becoming increasingly more obvious perception is everything.  Are they noticing something I’m not?  
It can’t be.  He’s everything I’m not.  He’s nothing that I want.  He’s my friend and that is all.
I made myself address it last night.  I forced myself to swallow the “what ifs?” without a chaser; those thoughts that creep in the back of my mind when he hugs me.  I breathe it in.  I need to be held.  I like it when he teases me and sometimes I catch him looking at me and it makes me smile inside.  I love spending time with him and lately have been noticeably happy when he’s around.  He doesn’t judge me but he doesn’t take my bullshit either.  He tells me when I’m being a pain in the ass and I like that.  I can call him out and tease him right back.  He thinks I don’t eat enough even though many of our meals have been together recently.  (Apparently he’s blind also)  He listens when I speak even when I don’t think he does and more importantly he HEARS what I say.
  I can’t help but wonder.
 But then I hear a song or smell a smell and I choke on my emotions and I decide it’s too soon.  It’s too soon to wonder.  It’s not fair.  I am broken and I am battle scared.  And it’s too soon and it’s not fair.  Shamus; he’s still there controlling me. 
Then I laugh.  Then he calls me out for calling someone the wrong name. “WOW” he says, and laughs at his own jokes.   Then he flares his nostrils on purpose just to make me laugh.  And I laugh.  I remember what it feels like to be alive.  And I shoot a bull’s-eye on the dart board and we high-five. & I laugh.  I vaguely recall what it feels like to smile.  And for just a few moments, I forget.  I forget that place deep down that hurt so bad I thought I’d never forget.  It fades, even if only for a moment.  & I take a deep breath.  And I exhale.  I close my eyes for a minute and imagine his embrace, and I don’t shake it away immediately, because I need it.  I need to feel alive.  I brush the guilt under the carpet and this time I shake Shamus away.  I force him out and for once I disregard his feelings, if he even has any at all. 
Then I remember how crazy he is, Shamus.  I remember that I passed him twice yesterday and I remember wondering how that is even possible.  What will he do? & How will he react?  What sort of hell will he put him through? & I remember it’s too soon and it’s not fair.  He shouldn’t have to succumb to Shamus.  He shouldn’t have to be afraid of parking tickets and traffic violations just for being my friend.  Just for being everything Shamus was not.  It’s not fair. 
Then I decide not to decide.  I decide I need to take a step back.  I decide I won’t call or text him for a few days.  I need a few days off.  I decide to walk away and I decide it doesn’t matter if it’s too soon or not.  I have to let him text me first. I tell myself I need a few days off.  It can’t be.  He’s everything I’m not.  He’s nothing that I want.  He’s my friend and that is all.

I have to take some time to figure out if I am attached to him or attracted to him.  I guess I should start with figuring out what the difference is.  There is something there, but I don’t know what so I decide not to decide for now.
 I only know is that I am better where he is. 

This explains it perfectly...

Friday, March 4, 2011

And there is no one there to dry your tears...

When does the “goods” outweigh the “bads”?  When is “enough” enough?  At what point do you cross that line that you have been staring at in the distance for months?
 (I know it's long... but let's be honest.... what else are you doing??!!..) 
Saturday afternoon I threw a wedding shower for a friend of mine at my parent’s house.  Naturally.   Their house is way cooler than mine and significantly larger.  My piss poor attitude towards never-ending happiness and marital bliss mixed wonderfully with the colors & snack sized sandwiches.   I tried my best to put my signature fake smile on.  I used extra concealer to cover the remnants of the night before’s nightmares. 
 He was there. 
He’s always there.
 Taunting me. 
The second I close my eyes, and I fight it so fucking hard, he’s there.  Offering that glint of hope.  “Dreams are a wish your heart makes”.   The “what if’s” and “somedays” creep in and manage to poison the following lucid hours, haunting my thoughts.  
Sharon was there, his sister in law, and his brother too.  Sometimes looking at him, that quick glance or his slightest gesture sends a flood of emotion over me.  Sometimes it hits too close to home and for that one tiny fraction of a second, I think it’s him, and I shake my head to jumble the thoughts and make them go away.  Eventually they settle and rearrange themselves.  The vicious cycle begins again. 
Saturday was hard.  I was mad.  I was angry at myself for allowing myself to feel this way.  I was mad at my subconscious for letting him in.  Pissed at weddings and marriage and quite frankly irate with mini sandwiches.  I could barely look at Sharon and found it almost impossible to make eye contact with his brother.  “How am I ever going to get through this?” crept in again.  And I let it.  “How do I separate them from him?”   They were among the few that didn’t walk away.  How can I push them away when they have done nothing wrong?

I spent the day in the kitchen with his brother.  I spent the day in my thoughts.  Holding my breath to hold the tears.  Faking excitement over towels and that “really good” knife set. 
My phone rings and it’s one of my sisters.  She is enroute to the mall with my mother and there is panic in her voice. 
Her:  Can you go to dad’s place IMMEDIATELY? Mom and I are 20 minutes away and someone broke in.  The police are there waiting. 
Me: Holy shit.  Ok.  On my way. 

My father has a business in the center of the city, which is less than a mile from their house.  I can’t help but wonder if this is my fault.  If the “letter writer” has struck again? If this break in has something to do with the one at my office? 
I speed there, recklessly at best.  I am expecting numerous cop cars and flashing lights.  They pull out all the stops for us around here.  My father takes excellent care of them.  Much to my surprise there is not one cop car in sight.  Not. One.
That’s weird, I think.  Maybe they are at the front of the building? So I drive around the block.  Nothin.
Confused and beginning to get slightly angrier I sit in my car and wait.  You never walk into a building alone.  You never walk into a building alone.  Fool- STAY IN YOUR CAR DAMNIT!! 
I can feel my blood pressure rising as my mother & sister pull up.
We enter together.  Everything seems to be ok.  Just then, one of the officers pulls up that is a good friend of mine. 
He’s overly  happy in a nervous laughter way.  “Heyyyyy Fool!”.
“Hey, Where the hell were you guys? My dad said you were waiting here for us.”
He lowers his head and raises his hands in surrender.  “I was told by my supervisor to CLEAR.”
(CLEAR is when they are told to leave. I bet you’ll never guess who is the only one who has the authority to CLEAR?)
“Is Captain Cocksucker (Shamus) working tonight by any chance? I ask bluntly.
“Fool, I was told by my SUPERVISOR to CLEAR” he emphasizes. 
“Ok, buddy.  That’s all I need to know. “
 “Don’t you get me in the middle of anything!” he yells as he gets back into his patrol car. 
“NEVER!” I respond as I slam my car door shit. 

I begin to shake.  I get back to my parents and I can hardly catch my breath.  His brother & sister-in-law are there to pick up the pieces again. I scream and rant.  So angry I can't even cry.  I will never push them away.   
He has been following me- Shamus -for weeks.  To the point that I considered switching cars with my friend for a few days just to prove a point. I write down when I see him but somehow I wonder if that would do anything anyway.  I see him parked down the street from my house.  I know he knows what I am doing at ALL times and with whom.  We’ve played this game before.   It almost used to flatter me.  Who am I kidding?  It did.  Because in some sick twisted way it meant he cared.  I put up with it.  I have and I continue to for years and years and he suffers no consequences.  He never has. 
He can play his little games with me all he wants.  I am used to it and I have come to expect it from him.  It’s about power and it’s about control.  However, I WILL NOT tolerate putting my family in jeopardy.  My father literally saved his life… and this is how they treat him? Not acceptable.   
I have been trying to nail down my father all week to tell him what happened as he was out of town and I am pretty sure will flip out when he finds out the truth.  I want him to call the Chief and play dumb and just ask “Hey what happened at my place? & why did no one stay?” ( It is procedure to wait for a key holder, FYI.) If the complaint comes from my father, I have a feeling it will be taken a little more seriously. 
I attempted to talk to my mother about this.
ME: “I need dad to call the Chief about that incident.”
Mom: “NO! We are not playing into the “Shamus Show”. Just ignore him! He’ll get the hint! I want him OUT OF YOUR LIFE Fool” she almost yelled.
ME: “Mom, he’s not stopping.  He won’t stop. I can assure you. And in “ignoring” him, all you are doing is making it progressively worse for me.”
She starts talking to my neice. 
ME: “Ok. I gotta go.”

I don’t know what else to do, friends.  But I seriously don’t know how much more I can take.  I am the protector and I can’t protect them.   I am the fixer and I can’t fix this.  How far is he going to push me.
 I am not proud of what I have done but I am thankful for it.  I have made so many mistakes.  And I have no one to blame but myself. I have no problem taking that blame; however I know in my heart of hearts, I do not deserve this.  I know I did the right thing in telling the truth, regardless of my flaws, I know I did what was right. 

 So at what point does the good outweigh the bad?  When is “enough” enough?  At what point do you cross that line that you have been staring at in the distance for months?

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

I'd "Stewart his Rod" anyday....

Who doesn't love a little eighties music in the afternoon?! I know I do.  Nothing like a gut wrenching ballad to end my work day.  Fuck you Pandora. 

(Just in case you speak spanish, I didn't want you to miss this...)

My thoughts are all over the place today.  So here goes nothin.

Sceet, my guy friend that I told you about, won like $500 on a sign in today at the one bar I work at.  I plan on forcing him to buy me a drink and some fried food with endless dipping sauces, because, well I love dipping sauces and I love drinks, especially when they are free.  Free is my favorite flavor. 

I am semi feeling like myself today- smart ass, witty, sarcastic bitch instread of morbid, depressed, sucidal, manic bitch.  I guess there is something to be said for the sun being out.  I'm sure in less than 20 minutes of writing this something will fuck it up. 

I really need to pimp my blog out.  Or at least keep up on it, finish the 30 days, and add the other entries to the 30 days page.  That seems like so much work.  Far too much for today.  Yawn. 

My friend Barb is going through a REALLY rough time and could loose her house. She is one of the sweetest bloggers and her kind words have really helped me out through my drama.  I was thinking today that people have so little faith in each other, most are convinced that "bloggers" are creepers who live in their parents basements and watch kiddue porn all day, however I can assure I am not.  & I don't think Barb is. ;) I was then thinking, if every one of us just donated a dollar to her, in blind faith, she could save her house.  Now, let's think about this logically, it's a fuckin dollar.  I probably dropped a dollar out of my purse in change just walking from my car into my office.  So in the off chance that Barb is some raging homocidal maniac, all you really gave her was a dollar.   No. Big. Deal. Right?  I know you are thinking, well if we all give her dollars she will have more than just one dollar! It's a scam Fool! Think of it this way, we shell out money for killer whales and charites that we can barely spell let alone understand their financials.  I think I'll start giving out more dollars. To the people that really need it.  & Dogs, cause you know how I feel about abandon animals lately. 

Wow that was really random.  Told you. 
I hope Rod made you as excited as he made me. (in my pants naturally)

It's ok. You don't have to explain.  Believe me I know how you feel.  People like us will never experience this sexiness though.  Just let it go, girl!