Thursday, March 10, 2011

Well, you and I, it's somethin' different... & I'm enjoying it cautiously

I live in a glass house & am talented in not throwing stones.  I am a big fish in a little pond.  I practice but I am not perfect.  I know that anything is possible if you believe.  And I am certain where there is a will there is a way. My skin is slowly getting thicker and I am learning to take things not so seriously.  I am really starting to wonder if everything does happen for a reason. 
It’s starting to get really annoying; everyone asking if we are dating. I guess we ARE together a lot.  So technically I can’t blame them.  They see the hurt in my eyes fading.  I laugh often when he’s around. It scares me.  But nonetheless, it’s becoming increasingly more obvious perception is everything.  Are they noticing something I’m not?  
It can’t be.  He’s everything I’m not.  He’s nothing that I want.  He’s my friend and that is all.
I made myself address it last night.  I forced myself to swallow the “what ifs?” without a chaser; those thoughts that creep in the back of my mind when he hugs me.  I breathe it in.  I need to be held.  I like it when he teases me and sometimes I catch him looking at me and it makes me smile inside.  I love spending time with him and lately have been noticeably happy when he’s around.  He doesn’t judge me but he doesn’t take my bullshit either.  He tells me when I’m being a pain in the ass and I like that.  I can call him out and tease him right back.  He thinks I don’t eat enough even though many of our meals have been together recently.  (Apparently he’s blind also)  He listens when I speak even when I don’t think he does and more importantly he HEARS what I say.
  I can’t help but wonder.
 But then I hear a song or smell a smell and I choke on my emotions and I decide it’s too soon.  It’s too soon to wonder.  It’s not fair.  I am broken and I am battle scared.  And it’s too soon and it’s not fair.  Shamus; he’s still there controlling me. 
Then I laugh.  Then he calls me out for calling someone the wrong name. “WOW” he says, and laughs at his own jokes.   Then he flares his nostrils on purpose just to make me laugh.  And I laugh.  I remember what it feels like to be alive.  And I shoot a bull’s-eye on the dart board and we high-five. & I laugh.  I vaguely recall what it feels like to smile.  And for just a few moments, I forget.  I forget that place deep down that hurt so bad I thought I’d never forget.  It fades, even if only for a moment.  & I take a deep breath.  And I exhale.  I close my eyes for a minute and imagine his embrace, and I don’t shake it away immediately, because I need it.  I need to feel alive.  I brush the guilt under the carpet and this time I shake Shamus away.  I force him out and for once I disregard his feelings, if he even has any at all. 
Then I remember how crazy he is, Shamus.  I remember that I passed him twice yesterday and I remember wondering how that is even possible.  What will he do? & How will he react?  What sort of hell will he put him through? & I remember it’s too soon and it’s not fair.  He shouldn’t have to succumb to Shamus.  He shouldn’t have to be afraid of parking tickets and traffic violations just for being my friend.  Just for being everything Shamus was not.  It’s not fair. 
Then I decide not to decide.  I decide I need to take a step back.  I decide I won’t call or text him for a few days.  I need a few days off.  I decide to walk away and I decide it doesn’t matter if it’s too soon or not.  I have to let him text me first. I tell myself I need a few days off.  It can’t be.  He’s everything I’m not.  He’s nothing that I want.  He’s my friend and that is all.

I have to take some time to figure out if I am attached to him or attracted to him.  I guess I should start with figuring out what the difference is.  There is something there, but I don’t know what so I decide not to decide for now.
 I only know is that I am better where he is. 

This explains it perfectly...


  1. I just wrote a long comment and MOFO blogger started giving me errors :| Okay sorry my mini outburst is over now.

    Okay so what did I wanna say... I know you're looking out for your friend with Shamus being around all the time and even in your mind so even if it were for you to get closer to your friend purely on the friendship level alone, it would still seem too soon just because you were with Shamus for so long. You're a strong woman and you know what best to do :) But just don't lose that smile. Ever!

    Love you loads :)

  2. Wow! WOW! W.O.W. Wow! Holy F*cking Wow! This is amazing! AMAZING! AMAZING! F*CKING AMAZING!

    I feel like I want to call you on the phone and talk about it. wow!

  3. ...just in case I missed it in previous posts, was there ever anyone else in your life in the past ten years? Or has it been only Shamus?

    On a darker note, potentially harrassing your friend plus the stalking... Shamus does not come across as a nice guy here.

    Let it simmer. If it's real, it'll still be there when you decide to decide. And don't you just love men who don't take your bullshit?

  4. You deserve to be loved and happy. I know its hard, but be open to it. Dont let it pass you by cause youve been so hurt in the past/present by this guy.

    Be strong. You can do it.

  5. Regardless of the intentions, known or unknown, you deserve to smile again. You deserve happiness. You deserve to forget Shamus. You deserve a friend. Don't over think, and take this for what it is... a blessing.

    Love you much. ♥

  6. It doesn't matter his intentions or yours. You need to smile more often and if he can help you do that, then he shoudl be in your life right now. Don't worry too much about the long run, and don't worry too much.

    Keep your head up :D

  7. @Apfel- I think we don't even know how strong we are until we HAVE to be..

    @Cinderita- lol that made me smile! Thanks... you can call me anytime!

    @Chris- I have attempted to "move on" 3 times in the past ten years...I should write about those debacles...well one was the Christmas Party story..oops..Also Shamus is fucking insane. I'm convinced he is in actuality a sociopath..a wolf in sheeps clothing..and just a plain liar..The longer this goes on..the stalking etc... the more creeped out I get and realize he is legit nuts...& I do sooo love that he takes my shit..(also it's the same guy I wrote about a couple days ago-my friend that blurted out he "couldn't fuck you"..yea looks who's wondering now..SMH

    @Kitty- I love what you wrote and I don't think I realized what I was doing but you are so right..I am mostly scared from the past and so afraid to open up... I am really going to try to get better at that.. Thanks! xoxox

    @Beanditch- Subtly is my weakness & I am very talented in over-thinking lol so I am trying oh so hard to let it ride and keep my damn mouth shut! I come from a long line of over-reactors but I do need to smile more so I'm gonna go with it and try to get over him...

    @Jax-Maybe everything does happen for a reason... "I'm slow to trust but I'm quick to love. I push too hard and I give too much.
    I ain't saying I'm perfect, but I promise I'm worth it"..:)

  8. I think your ex is a giant ASSHOLE and no one wants their life controlled by one of those. The reason he harasses you is that he's lost control of you and what you do. He acts out by being a psycho. I see your trepidation, who wouldn't be worried?

    But if you decide you like THIS new, nice guy, despite your differences as people, if it gels, and he treats you well and it's more than just good friends, then do it. Two of you together is stronger than one against the monster. I know it's easier said than done though.

    Now I'm going to go away and punch a baby or something before I turn into a Lifetime Movie moment. :)

  9. You know that Bonnie Rait song? "Let's Give 'Em Something To Talk About" ...? It was going through my head as I read this entire post.

    Some time off is good. Ask yourself the hard questions, wait for the answers. They'll come.


  10. I wish I could help you out and give you some advice, but I can't even get my own life under control. Just remember one thing- if you live your life walking on egg shells and in fear of Shamus, then he is getting what he wants. He's still, in a way, controlling you. And I am sure you don't want that. Stand up for what you want, and what you feel is right. Take the time to figure stuff out if need be. I wish you the very best!

    Oh, and by the way, that has to be one of my favorite songs by A Fine Frenzy. Love it!

  11. Everyone has said it perfectly. Shamus is not a nice person. He's more than than but words fail in light of how he's acted since the melt down. You deserve to be happy and smile. Don't jump the gun either wait. Give it time, and just as Shamus has really shown his true colors as time goes on, this new guy will too. I'll be crossing my fingers for all the best!


  12. Are you doing ok FF? Haven't heard from you in awhile and am concerned!