Well, you and I, it's somethin' different... & I'm enjoying it cautiously

I live in a glass house & am talented in not throwing stones.  I am a big fish in a little pond.  I practice but I am not perfect.  I know that anything is possible if you believe.  And I am certain where there is a will there is a way. My skin is slowly getting thicker and I am learning to take things not so seriously.  I am really starting to wonder if everything does happen for a reason. 

It’s starting to get really annoying; everyone asking if we are dating. I guess we ARE together a lot.  So technically I can’t blame them.  They see the hurt in my eyes fading.  I laugh often when he’s around. It scares me.  But nonetheless, it’s becoming increasingly more obvious perception is everything.  Are they noticing something I’m not?  

It can’t be.  He’s everything I’m not.  He’s nothing that I want.  He’s my friend and that is all.

I made myself address it last night.  I forced myself to swallow the “what ifs?” without a chaser; those thoughts that creep in the back of my mind when he hugs me.  I breathe it in.  I need to be held.  I like it when he teases me and sometimes I catch him looking at me and it makes me smile inside.  I love spending time with him and lately have been noticeably happy when he’s around.  He doesn’t judge me but he doesn’t take my bullshit either.  He tells me when I’m being a pain in the ass and I like that.  I can call him out and tease him right back.  He thinks I don’t eat enough even though many of our meals have been together recently.  (Apparently he’s blind also)  He listens when I speak even when I don’t think he does and more importantly he HEARS what I say.

  I can’t help but wonder.

 But then I hear a song or smell a smell and I choke on my emotions and I decide it’s too soon.  It’s too soon to wonder.  It’s not fair.  I am broken and I am battle scared.  And it’s too soon and it’s not fair.  Shamus; he’s still there controlling me. 

Then I laugh.  Then he calls me out for calling someone the wrong name. “WOW” he says, and laughs at his own jokes.   Then he flares his nostrils on purpose just to make me laugh.  And I laugh.  I remember what it feels like to be alive.  And I shoot a bull’s-eye on the dart board and we high-five. & I laugh.  I vaguely recall what it feels like to smile.  And for just a few moments, I forget.  I forget that place deep down that hurt so bad I thought I’d never forget.  It fades, even if only for a moment.  & I take a deep breath.  And I exhale.  I close my eyes for a minute and imagine his embrace, and I don’t shake it away immediately, because I need it.  I need to feel alive.  I brush the guilt under the carpet and this time I shake Shamus away.  I force him out and for once I disregard his feelings, if he even has any at all. 

Then I remember how crazy he is, Shamus.  I remember that I passed him twice yesterday and I remember wondering how that is even possible.  What will he do? & How will he react?  What sort of hell will he put him through? & I remember it’s too soon and it’s not fair.  He shouldn’t have to succumb to Shamus.  He shouldn’t have to be afraid of parking tickets and traffic violations just for being my friend.  Just for being everything Shamus was not.  It’s not fair. 

Then I decide not to decide.  I decide I need to take a step back.  I decide I won’t call or text him for a few days.  I need a few days off.  I decide to walk away and I decide it doesn’t matter if it’s too soon or not.  I have to let him text me first. I tell myself I need a few days off.  It can’t be.  He’s everything I’m not.  He’s nothing that I want.  He’s my friend and that is all.

I have to take some time to figure out if I am attached to him or attracted to him.  I guess I should start with figuring out what the difference is.  There is something there, but I don’t know what so I decide not to decide for now.

 I only know is that I am better where he is. 

This explains it perfectly...