I bought a house.
Can you fuckin believe it?
Me. I own something other than vibrators and vodka. It’s a miracle.
On Friday, I officially became an adult and closed on said property. Ha! I have property! Fuck yea! So obviously I immediately drove from the court house to the bar. I had some celebratory drinks there with some of “The Regulars”. “The Regulars” are a group of dirty old men that come to the bar every day. They are like my family only they talk about blow jobs, cum, and anal sex much more. Which is not a bad thing; because I would be really freaked out if my parents discussed any of the above with me.
Anyway, drinks were bought. “Cheers”-ing ensued. And then the phone rang.
Bitch in the Box: Hi this is Bitch in the Box from your lawyer’s office. Somehow the calculations were incorrect and you actually owe another $1,000.00 by Monday at noon.
Me: WHATTTT! Are you fucking kidding me?!!
Bitch in the Box: I’m sorry I can’t hear you very well. There is a lot of background noise.
Me: Yea! Cause I’m in a fucking BAR. Celebrating my CLOSING. That you are telling me is not “closed”. I can’t talk to you right now. BYE. Panic. Panic. Panic.
|Yours is in the mail...|
I was sooo pissed. Not to mention that the entire bar was buying drinks for me! How was I supposed to share that little tidbit of info? FUCK. SO I didn’t. Does that make me a totally horrible person? (Thankfully I had the money saved up and was able to drop it off this morning. So it did work out.)
After I continued to suck em down there, I decided to stop at my parents’ house. I had 2 glasses of wine there. I was on a roll at this point so why not add insult to injury and attend a Christmas party at a cop’s house. It was one of the guys that is actually a good friend to me. He has “heard” shit and never judged me or treated me any differently. That means a lot to me especially because sometimes the other guys treat me like I should just be some cop piece of ass. Pretty much everyone in the whole fucking city knows about Shamus & I. However, he is CONVINCED that no one “gets it”. The only one who doesn’t “get it” is him.
|I'm a PERFECT cop wife!|
That being said, I go to this party half in the bag and some of the other “cop couples” show up. MOST of the wives/girlfriends are just really fuckin weird to me in a passive “I-think-you-wanna-bang-my-cop-boyfriend/husband” aggressive sort of way. Not all of them. But I’d say the majority. Every once in a while, I find myself trying to “fit in” with them. Friday reminded me why I don’t and NEVER will. I know some of that is my own craziness creeping in and my own guilty conscience. There is this whole disturbing “wife/girlfriend” sorority type feel when the wives are around and I fucking HATE it. They all started talking about a “wife sex toy party” they had and how it was “omg-soooo-fun” and they “omg-laughed-sooo-hard and so-and-so was all embarrassed and not fun” because they naturally all bash each other behind their backs. The one wifey mentioned Shamus’s wife and proceeded to stare right at me to check for any reaction. I pretty much walked out after that. If they think that I will ever be part of their little “click” they are sadly mistaken. Give me men any day.
|Seriously? Can you get any GAYER!?!|
They walk around with ridiculous shit on like this------>
This coming weekend I have not one, but TWO cop parties. Both of which Shamus will be attending (hopefully without her, yet another drunken performance like the last time may put a few more nails in the coffin.) This may happen if I drink enough vodka-which is VERY likely.
Hello! Hellooooo! Excuse me. Wives. I have a few things to share with you! "OMG-YAY! WE'RE- SO-BEST-FRIENDS!!"
1. First and foremost, you and I both know that you are all well aware of my little “situation”. I do not want to bang your husband. (I, then point to Shamus’s wife) Except for you- Number one doesn’t have anything to do with you. Ask your so called “wifey friends” maybe they can explain what I’m talking about cause they allllllllll know. I love him.
2. I don’t give a FUCK about your stupid parties and cookie swaps and ridiculous attempts to try and like each other. Most of you think that being a cops wife gives you some sort of ultra status and the permission to be a raging twat 24 hours a day.It does not.
3. I like your husband. I respect him. He is good at his job. HE is my friend. You are not my friend. (and NOTHING more ) (Again pointing to his wife- “Except you, again.”).
4. I am very capable of being friends with someone of the opposite sex without thinking about fucking him every second of the day. I know him better than you do. And that is no one’s fault but your own. Perhaps if you didn’t spend so much time bitching about him and at him you’d see that.
5. In the event of an argument/divorce, I WILL take his side. So don’t. Just don’t.
6. You have consistently made me feel out of place. This is stopping NOW. This is my world. I see these guys every day. We talk about all kinds of things from the weather to sex. We see each other at our best and our worst. Everyone needs people to talk to. This is in no way a crime. I have done nothing to you, well except you(again pointing to her)- you have the right to hate me, but the rest of you cut the shit.
7. I know what goes on at your "perfect little homes" and I know how your husband acts when you are not around. (and he'd fuck anything that moves honey so wipe that stupid smirk off your face cause he'd cheat on your ass too.) I actually like him much better when you aren't. So can you all go home now? Please and Thank you.
And you don't think at all unless you are told when and what to think about.
9. oh and MERRY CHRISTMAS BITCHES!!