Saturday, January 29, 2011

Day Four- Something You have to forgive someone for

Just one thing? Fuck. 

Anyone who's been reading my blog knows the basic story  tragedy that is Shamus & I.  If you are new here,  I urge you to start at the beginning.  I couldn't make this shit up if I tried. 

Dear Shamus, 

You have done it again.  You have managed to take the light out of my eyes, that you yourself put there to begin with.  You have manage to take the air out of my lungs that you so often breathed life into.  And as for my spirt, if you see it, I'd like that back.  I have never been a believer of returning gifts bought in good times with good intentions, but I feel like my soul is quite a lot to carry around with you , and I'm sure your wife won't want it laying around your house anyway.  

You sir, have crushed me.  In a way that is indescribable and unimaginable.  You are a liar and thief.  How dare you barge into my life with assumptions and less than honorable intentions? How dare you take away the very best years of my life & poison them with hope & disguised affections? You clearly do not possess the ability to decipher right from wrong.  You are a cunning linguist, with your deceitful words that flow freely from your lips as easy as a breath.   

How could you look so deeply into my eyes and do the same for another?  My Oh My, what an eventful life you lead!  How tiresome it must be living two lives, having two women to provide you with every waking need, having two people to make feel special and loved, two to say goodnight & good morning to, two to give attention to, two to allow you to walk all over them on your high horse.  My once feeling of pure selflessness that you possessed has turned to pure selfishness.  You are nothing you said you were. 

 I suppose I should take some blame here as well… I put you up on that pedestal…. I made you to be a respectable man.  A man who cared.  You never gave a shit about me.  Ten years I loved you. Willingly & completely.  And now, you had one chance.  The one chance I have been waiting for for ten years.  You could have come clean.  Everything was out. Our dirty laundry was there for everyone to see and you had a chance to claim me.  To make this right.

  The chance to be a MAN.  

instead.......& You LIED. 

You lied to your boss. You lied to your wife. You lied to your friends, who know the truth by the way, so now you look really fuckin stupid.  What I find even more disturbing is the fact that you told your brother the truth & involved him in this disaster that we have created.  You asked him to break the law. Now seeing as how you are BOTH officers, I thought it was safe to assume that you knew better than to send him to your house and have him steal the letter addressed to your wife.  I don't blame you.  I was panicking too.  But, I wish she had gotten that letter.  She deserves that letter.  

I am so angry, disgusted, distraught, crushed, confused, anxious,  annoyed, infuriated, offended, and just plain devastated.  I can honestly say that what you have put me through, not only in the last ten years, but more so in the past 3 weeks, has been the hardest thing I have ever been through.  I hate to even give you that title, because quite frankly I don't think you deserve even that right now.  I don't know if I will ever forgive you.  I know that at some point in my life I should or may have to try just to move on. But right now, Shamus, I fucking loathe you.  I want you to hurt like you have hurt me.  I want to call your wife and tell her everything.  I want to see you cry real tears for once.   But I am better than that. I am better than you.  

 I see you in my dreams and I wake up sweating and crying.  I hear you in my thoughts and I can still smell you every so often on my bed.  But you- you aren't even human.  & right now, you don't deserve my forgiveness. 


                             "Not Even Human"


  1. Should I just stop at saying that I am happy to read this post?

    I won't, coz' I wanna tell you that what goes around comes around, and I am almost certain that one day, something will calm this fire down. Because you deserve way better than this. You really do.

    P.S. One of the reasons that I love this 30 day thing coz' I get to read daily from you :) Yayy :P

  2. The best day will be the day that you don't even think of him. Then you will know it's over. I hope that day comes soon for you.

  3. I agree with Barb up there. Just gotta take it one day at a time. That's what I am doing...

  4. Love the song.

    I read recently that forgiving someone does not necessarily mean being OK with what they've done, but reaching a point where what they did no longer influences you in a negative way, or stops you from living your life. I used to think it was that first thing, this new definition makes it just a wee bit easier.