Wednesday, January 19, 2011

From the Bottom...

I never wanted to write this.  I never wanted to admit he fooled the Fool.  Again. 
~ However, my fiends, it's true.  ~

I spent the better part of last week in the Chiefs office sticking up for Shamus while being 100% truthful with myself  & the Chief.  I went on rants about how  he can be an asshole, a HORRIBLE boyfriend, and a shitty husband but he is an EXCEPTIONAL officer.  I begged for his job and took more blame for this than I deserved. (Let's not forget I AM NOT MARRIED! & I HAVE NOT banged him during MY work hours!Justsayin)  In between visits to the chopping block, I spent countless hours with his brother and on the phone with him.  We "talked through" it.    We vowed to "stick together" and we said "I love you's".  There were tears shed.  His. & His brothers.  This was going to be really fuckin hard.  On both of us.  But we'd get through it.  Because we have to and because, well, we always do.  

I was scared.  I was anxious.  I was crushed.  But every time I heard his voice, I believed I had the strength to do this.  
I received a phone call from the Chief yesterday at 3:20pm.  He basically told me that "his job was done and he has done an investigation and as far as he is concerned this is over because it's a he said/she said situation"..... "Oh and Fool, one more thing, I gave him a direct order not to have ANY contact with you.  So even if you call him or text him he is NOT to answer. " 

Ummmm.  WHOAAAAAAAAA. Hold on! 

Seriously? After all that.  After the dragging me down there and forcing me to lay out all of my dirty laundry? I took those "skeletons" that have lived so quietly in my closet, and I put them in my purse, and I brought them to the police department for everyone to see. I let you finger print them and poke and prod around them like they were a dead body with no feelings or say in this.  I did not cry. I did not show much of any emotion.  

 And all he has to say to me is "it's over. & I've done what I could do."  


SO let me get this straight... Shamus looked in your fucking face and he lied to you.  The tears that he cried this past week were fake.  The "we'll get through this" and the "we're in this together's"  and "Im going to tell her as soon as I get home" were are a fucking lie? and to make matters worse you just gave him a free fuckin pass to NOT have to answer to me. At All. EVER?

Is this really happening? 

Have you even absolutely hit rock bottom? Have you ever had those pills in your hand and legitimately considered taking them? I did. Yesterday. 

I flipped the fuck out.  I was in my office when I got the call and I started crying. I hadn't cried in forever. I'd venture to say years.   It's kind of a joke with my sisters & Rose because I CANNOT cry. They tell me I am like "Amanda" (Cameron Diaz) in "The Holiday".  I tell them I cried so much over "The one who shall not be named" I just can't do it anymore.  I refuse to waste my tears on anyone.  I can't even cry when you are supposed to cry.  It's really obscene.  

Last week when this first happened, I pulled out all the stops.  I rented "The Notebook", "Dear John", and "Eat, Pray, Love".  I was determined to shed a tear.   Nothing. Van Damme.  Not one fuckin tear. I WANTED to cry.  I NEEDED to release it.  But I just couldn't make myself do it.  

 I couldn't seem to catch my breath as I screamed "I can't talk to you right now" to the Chief.  I had NOTHING to say to him.  I hung up.  I gasped for air and I could have sworn someone was sitting on my chest.  I tried to stand and I immediately fell to the ground and began puking.  Rose ran in and saw me in the fetal position hugging my garbage can. I tried to stand again and this time used my chair as a hoist.  I grabbed my coat and managed to get something along the lines of "I'm leaving" out of my mouth. I remember her telling me I shouldn't be driving but I didn't care.   I hoped I was going to crash.  By some miracle of God himself, I made it to my house.  Ran to the toilet and sobbed/puked/snotted.  I don't know how long I was there but my friend who works at the police department came running in my house to witness my violent shaking/puking/sobbing/snotting.  It was really pretty. I'm sure.  Shortly after my mother barged in too.  

I guess I was worse than I even knew and Rose was so scared she called my sister, who then called my mother, etc etc.  In between bouts of up-chuck & wailing I told my mother. EVERYTHING.  She was much more supportive than I ever imagined her Irish-Catholic-teeth grinding-red faced-I can destroy you with just one look-self to be.  She was stern but was understanding.   She took me out to dinner. Even though I didn't want to go.  She made me eat. Even though I could barely stomach the thought of food.  She made me talk even when I could barely speak.  She made me promise I wouldn't do "anything stupid" because it would ruin HER life. (Ummm hellooo mother-not about you. Jaykay) As rationality crept in again I realized no man is worth taking your life over.  Especially one who would deny you, after all these years.  

Funny thing about mothers.  They know.  More than you think. 

And Rose, she saved my life today.  She tends not to offer much advice, ever. She is an exceptional listener, but I often feel like she is sick of hearing the same shit from me.   There are so many times, I don't even know what is going on in her life because she is about as open as a double bolted vault, but she is one of the only people on this earth that knows me enough to know my rock bottom.  She saw it yesterday with her own eyes.  Someday we'll laugh about it and she'll find a really funny ecard about getting over myself or she'll say "stop playing the victim" and I'll say "ok pot-meet kettle" and we'll roll our eyes at each other and laugh.  But yesterday. She saved my life. 

Thank you all. Every one of you.  You-Who have commented and read and written "penis" and made me smile because I don't care how old you are the words "wiener & penis" will always make yo smile.  You keep me going.  You give me something to look forward to.  You remind me I am ok.  Something that started out as so funny has become a tragedy yet again. & I do apologize for that.  I'll be funny again some day soon. I promise.  Thank you from the bottom of my broken heart.  


  1. ohhh, girl. i'm at a loss for what to even say...but i'm glad that you had some good friends and family there for you and know that things will get better; they always do.

  2. Sometimes getting hit with a baseball bat right between the eyes is what it takes to realize where you really are in life. Please don't be offended but married men are scum. They think they can their cake and eat it too and then you find out you're just the crumbs on an empty plate. So glad you are awake and aware. You're going to be OK

  3. No man is definitely worth taking your life, but it's probably the situation and not the man that is driving you crazy here. Ten years would do that to a person, so take it easy on yourself.

    And moms do know more than you think. Sometimes I think they're all in fact witches. Dads... somehow come across more as goofballs.

  4. Wow. I want to know your life. Thank you!

  5. Hun.... YOU ARE ONE STRONG WOMAN! I really bow down to you... You should be proud of yourself, coz' forget about everything that you lost, you still have your self respect and a conscience which will NEVER leave your side. EVER.

    I really don't have much to say, but trust me I am feeling a lot out here. I am not good when it comes to expressing anything, but I'll say one thing, you deserve much better than this, and you will get it, I swear you will, I'm rooting for you...

    Mom's are the most amazing thing. Me and my Mom share a very complicated relationship, but I know that she can understand volumes about me even when I choose not to speak it out to her. It's magical.

    I am so glad that you have an amazing friend like Rose, she knew immediately what action to take and you are in safe hands now. We, your readers are always here for you, atleast I am, and I wanna be. Coz' you are an awesome girl.

  6. You shouldn't worry about being funny, or what even we will think if you aren't. You should worry about taking care of yourself. I'd like to hurt this Shamus, for the way he's hurt you. And sometimes we walk into things with our eyes open, and they still catch us by surprise. Those can be the toughest moments.

    I hope he regrets treating you the way he did. I hope he's suffering for what he's done. And because he clearly can't be happy with his wife, I hope he sorely misses what was probably one of the few good things in his life - you. Because you? You know the value of a penis joke. And there aren't many people out there who can claim the same.



  7. I agree with Lorraine above, Karma hits people real hard when they least expect it, and though I would not like to be negative, I am sure he will get his due, and so will you, coz' the good thing with hitting rock bottom, is that you have no where else to go, but UPWARDS!

  8. "hitting rock bottom, is that you have no where else to go, but UPWARDS!"

    Thats it basically. People need moments like these to help them make radical changes in their lives. I sincerely hope you put this all behind you and change. There is nothing in the bottom for you to see. Time to resurface.