Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Shit & Syphilis

         Naturally, I came down with some violent form of the Swine Flu. I think the "wear & tear" of not sleeping and extreme stress finally took it's toll on my body.  I spent most of the last 6 days on the couch. The good news is that it MADE me rest.  This Virus of Death demanded it. I tried to fight it, however ended up surrendering to this much needed sleep.   The bad news is it also gave my mind ample time to roam and rummage through the events of the past two weeks.  

      I STILL cannot wrap my head around all of this.  One moment I am mad and determined to get through this and "SHOW HIM" & lose weight & "worry about me for once".   The next,  I'm a small girl holding my knees and sobbing with fear & devastation.  I can't seem to get a hold of myself or my emotions just yet, but I am trying to give them a chance to run their course just like this damn cold.  

 I don't have a fuckin clue about most things right now.  But there are a few things I have discovered in the last week:

1. I certainly have no idea what the future brings for me.  I am not excited about that either.  If you have forgotten, I am pretty OCD.  I don't like change and/or conflict and its sets me right over the edge.  As you are presently witnessing.  I am sick of everyone calling this "a new beginning" and "oh hey Fool, think of it this way- you get to move on and he's gonna be so miserable with his wife and his fake friends".  Ok Listen- that DOES NOT make me feel better.  If you are calling me to tell me his dick fell off due to some rare disease he contracted from his wife and they will both suffer for eternity-maybe? But the bullshit about "he's the one who's losing out" is crap and you and I both know it. 

My drug of choice
2. I have developed a deep relationship with TheraFlu.  That shit is amazing.  The "Warming Relief" is the new black.  My "jump off",  if you will.  It not only makes me feel warm and fuzzy, it also knocks me the fuck out.  I commend you Maker of TheraFlu! 
You have pioneered the way for crazies like me to have at least a few decent hours of sleep in your drug-induced coma.  I am also particulary fond of your  sister product "Apple Cinnamon" tea.  It gently rocks me to sleep in hopes of not remembering my dreams nightmares .  TheraFlu embraces me like he never did. Fail. 

3. Taylor Swift gets me.  I hate to admit this, but that little bish knows what she's talkin about in the L.O.V.E department.  I personally think someone needs to get her drunk and take advantage of her, then she'd really know how it feels, however the songs she writes have phenomenal lyrics, especially for the broken Fools. I hate that I love her but "Dear John", "Mean", "Story of us", & of course "Last Kiss" are on repeat. Don't. Tell. Anyone. 

4.  People are INSANE.  This is certainly not limited to me.  People in general are fucked.  I mean who writes fuckin anonymous letters? Who lies to the Chief of Police? I'll give you a hint-itwasntme.   (ahemmshamusahemm) Who hurts others intentionally? Murderers. Hoarders. Cat ladies. Dog whisperers.  What is going on in this world? I think we really all have a little bit of crazy in us and it just takes the "right" person at the "right" time to bring it all out. 

5.  It's a hard lesson to learn who your real friends are.  Yet sometimes life doesn't let us ignore said lesson.  Sometimes life sends you anonymous letters and send you into a fit of depression/rage/sadness/anger/mania.  However life decides to punch you in the dirt star, it's always good to reassess your relationships & know who you can and cannot trust.  Thank God for Rose & Sharon & Merril(Shamus's sister-in-law & Bro).  Someday I'll breathe again because of them.  

6.  I think I'm going to do the 30 days of Truth.  I want to get reacquainted with myself and I don't mean by masturbating or giving myself some over-the-sweater-heavy-petting you creeps.  I need to take this time to remember who I am and what I love & hate & need to work on.  I don't remember myself without this and that is really sad.  I realized today that I haven't looked in the mirror in a long time and known who I see or even liked who I see. I mean I use a mirror to do my make-up everyday, but I don't see me.  I don't know where my smile went or who that girl is.  I need to find her again.  

7. Finally, Irish mothers are crazy mystical creatures who's look could destroy you and approval could breathe life into the depths of your soul.  They rarely hug or say "I love you's" or show much emotion at all.  That night of the rock bottom incident she was right there to save the day with some not-so-sympathetic words but that "mother" thing that somehow makes you feel entirely better in an instant.   She even told me the only thing she cares about is if I am happy! Who knew?(She probably said that because she knew we'd never actually end up together, thus ensuring she never needs to actually be nice to him-not that she'd pretend.  If she doesn't like you- you know it. True. Dat. Son. T.D.S.) Growing up she used to say "if you are looking for sympathy you'll find it in the dictionary between shit & syphilis."  I know, warms the heart doesn't it?  Almost like the TheraFlu. 



  1. love this post- love you in the "I don't know who the fuck you are in real life but you kick ass anyway" sorta way.


  2. Sorry you're sick but glad you found Thera-Flu. Everything's gonna be all right because Momma said there'd be days like this. Momma knows best is what I used to tell my son until he quit listening. Feel better soon and I think the 30 day thing is a great idea!!

  3. I only recently started reading your blog, so I obviously don't know anywhere near the whole story of this whole ordeal. But, I've heard you reference it going on for 10+ years. OF COURSE it is going to take some time (a lot of time) to move on!!! I'd give yourself this thera-flu-coma-induced time, and then some, to feel shitty. I think you deserve it for a little while.

  4. I've heard people say that they developed a relationship with Theraflu because it gave them a buzz.

    I also believe I was 25+ when both my parents told me they loved me for the first time. And they're good people.

    Empathy is better than sympathy anyway, it's more constructive. Sympathy just keeps you down, and is better left between shit and syphilis.

  5. I am so sorry to hear that you are sick. I hope you feel better soon. I think the 30 Days of Truth is an excellent idea. I am in my last 10 days and it has helped me so much.

    Keep your head up :D

  6. I've done the Theraflu thing too. And getting meds here without prescription is child's play.. So I was gulping down huge quantities of cough syrup and feelin' the buzz for almost a month. Don't know why I have a happy feeling when I think about it though.

    I know that you do not need words, and you're a smart lady to make the right choices (or wrong ones too, but we'll still be with you!) and maybe the 30 day thing is a good way for you to find yourself again.

    I love Mom's who do not have to say much and still convey volumes. My Mom's like that too. I'm completely with Chris here, Empathy is better than Sympathy and better leave Sympathy between Shit and Syphilis!


  7. @Mrs. Bee- I love you too in a totally "it's not weird at all that I am saying I love you to an internet friend" - you always leave me comments and that makes me happy in my heart... andddd I am OBSESSED with Law & Order SVU. I wanna be Olivia Benson-sometimes when I'm working at the police station I think I am.

    @Bouncin Barb- Mommas do know best! I started the 30 day thing today and I am planing on sticking to it. This alone may be good for me.

    @Well that was Akward- I think it's going to take even more time than I am prepared for but I am finally coming to grips with the fact that it's ok to take my time. Thats a huge step for me considering I have to be in control at all times, even my emotions. Normal.

    @Chris- that whole empathy thing got me thinking. That is so true-not as funny as saying shit & syphilis but totally true. Thanks.Loveyou. Meanit.

    @Jax-Thanks lady! I can't wait to read your truths!

    @Apfel- My mom rocks even when she doesn't say the "sweetest" things or anything at all. lol-I know you know what I mean. Hurry up and do the 30days to keep me motivated. smh!

  8. I love the shit and syphilis thing. Rox is home sick too, which I think is weird since the rest of the Internet caught that plague a couple of weeks ago.

    I hope you feel better soon. And even better after that, and etc.

    The girls are trying to get me to go to a Taylor Swift concert. I don't know dawgs. I just don't know.