Monday, January 3, 2011

The problem with dating a married man is...

....well for starters....he's married.  

            Let's forget about all the moral and ethical issues surrounding an affair.  Bottom line-  He promised to be faithful and love someone else forever. Someone that is NOT you.   And the fact that he is breaking that vow, even though it's with you, will never stop haunting you.  Somewhere in the back of your mind you will always remember the fact that he promised to be HER husband, to have and to hold HER, from that day forward, for better, for worse(which is you), for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, until death do THEY part. You will always wonder if he is doing this to her, will he do it to you? Hell, will he ever actually leave her?

     Birthdays, Christmas's, & New Years will always be spent alone, while he is playing the doting husband and father.  What the fuck kind of life is that? From experience; it's wonderful torture.  It's a life filled with roller coaster/bi-polar like emotions. When it's good; it's perfect.  When it's bad; you ache in places that you didn't know existed.   It's filled with binge drinking and eating.  Self loathing and Xanax.  Work suffers.  Sleep suffers. You suffer.   You completely fall apart. And just when you are sweeping up all those tiny pieces and beginning to glue them back together, he comes back into your life.  On his own accord.  

How many times am I going to go through this? How many times am I going to feel these same emotions? I can barely function at work today.  He consumes me in ways that are not healthy or reasonable.  If I was friends with me, I'd punch me right in the face.   I can't believe that I have allowed this to go on for this long.  I cannot believe how deep I'm in.  I hate these days.  These are the days I could live without, if I was living at all.  

Today I spoke to God.  This is what I said:

Dear God, 
I know that I am a super sucky person for even having this conversation with you.  I am well aware of the consequences of my actions, as I was brought up strictly Irish Catholic.  I have pretty much come to the conclusion that I will be going straight to hell. Sadly enough, that seems like minimal torture as long as he's there.   However, if you could just take a moment to listen to me.  I know that you don't make mistakes.  So if I could, I'd like to ask you a few questions.  Along the lines of you being pure perfection, why would you let me meet him if I wasn't supposed to be with him? And if it was some sort of test, when does it end? and How do I pass? I know that you give me challenges to overcome and make me stronger.  I think I have done pretty well at most of the other ones.  I am a good person-aside from this little "glitch". I try so hard to be good.  I really do.  I am truly at a crossroad here. And I need some sort of help.  I don't know who else to turn to, seeing as all of my friends are completely exhausted on this topic.  I am typically not this wimpy and rarely admit defeat and sadness when it comes to anything.  I am very talented at making a joke out of even the worst scenario.  However, today, it hurts when I breathe and when I close my eyes I see him.  I'm not asking for a lightning bolt or an ark or even a flood.  I don't need the end of  the world or anything that dramatic.  Just a little assistance would be super.  



~I'll let you get the best of me 
Because there's nothing else that I do well~


  1. I can't even imagine the torture you are going through. I am so sorry for your struggles. This sucks- big time. You'll be in my thoughts today and I hope you will feel better soon. I wish he would just leave you alone so you didn't have to go through this pain. I'd tell you to hang in there but it seems so cliche.

  2. Rather than think about whether or not he'll ever leave his wife (because quite frankly he'd be doing her a kindness), consider what you yourself are doing to her... A couple of years ago, I found out my boyfriend of 6 years had been cheating on me and impregnated another woman. I've got some serious trust issues as a result. Put yourself in her shoes... how awful would you feel if it were you? Are you willing to do that to some other poor woman? There are tons of awesome single guys out there. Leave the husband to his wife.

  3. oh honey...i am so sorry. this is hard. i wish i knew what to tell you. but my heart goes out to you.