Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Day one- Something you hate about yourself

Nothing like starting out positive. Awesome. Ok. Here goes nothing. 

I don't know me much anymore.  I have been someone for 10 years. Someone that I am not even sure I like.  I decided to to this "30 day" for a little self exploration.  However, I must warn you 30 days is quite a bit of commitment for me. Just sayin. 

 Shit I HATE about me:

I hate that there are so many things that I hate about myself.  I hate that I don't like what I see when I even dare to look in the mirror. I hate my bingo arms.   I hate that I let people take advantage of me, despite the fate that I am an intelligent successful woman.  I hate that I give everyone else more forgiveness and appreciation than I am ever willing to give myself.  I hate that I can't remember the last time I was truly happy.  I hate that I have lived a lie for what should have been the best time of my life.  I hate that I wasted it on false hope. I hate that when I look at old pictures of myself I see a huge smile and I don't know where that smile went.  I hate having my picture taken but there are so few pictures of me at family gatherings and holidays I often feel forgotten or unworthy of a photo.  I hate that I appear to have it all on the outside but the insides are so empty.  I hate that I am so obsessed with dieting and losing weight as if being thinner will fill that void I'm always trying to fill.  I hate that I have smelly feet.   I hate that I don't believe in true love anymore and have somehow allowed myself to believe that I will never find it.  That I perhaps don't deserve it.  I hate that   I am often  pessimistic & hardened.  I hate that I care so much about what other people think. I hate that I can think of hundreds of more things that I hate about myself.  

But mostly, I hate that I had an affair with a married man which is beyond wrong and has led me to believe that I will never be happy without him & even though I never really "had" him, the scraps of him & "take what I can get's" attitude sustained me for so long.  


  1. You know yourself best and the rest of us are just onlookers grateful for sharing your story, but this "lie that should have been the best time of your life" should not leave you feeling like the train has left the station. It's all up for grabs still.

    A few things you mention you hate about yourself actually seem to make you a good person, from my perspective. Hm, maybe there's a reason they make you do the "What I hate about myself" bit first.

  2. I agree with Chris. I can relate to most of the things that you mentioned on there, even the part with being content with the "take what I can get". Now that you know what you hate about yourself, I am sure you can reinforce it in a positive way :)

    You know what, I'm gonna do this 30 day thing too. But I won't publish it till the 30th day, coz' there is a lot more stuff going on that I would want to share on my blog and honestly I don't like posting twice a day!

    P.S. Maybe fulfilling your commitment to the 30 day thing is a start in itself! Besides we love reading from you everyday ;)

    Lots of Love

  3. @Chris- Excellent point! & Thank you for reading and reminding me that maybe the "Hot Mess Express" hasn't left the station yet.

    @Apfel I think committing to this may get me started in the right direction. I hope so anyway. If not, I am coming to India to hide out with you. I have always dreamed of going there. Save me a Saree!

  4. Great first day! I know 30 days is a long time but you can do it. They get more interesting as you go and you will be amazed at what you discover about yourself... I know I was!! If you go back and read my first day... I may seem in human, and I thought I was, now I am on day 21 and I found out I am just different. Way to go with being honest, loved reading this :D

  5. I just had to say: for a brief minute I actually considered naming my own blog "Hot Mess Express" :) How lame would that have been...

  6. Oh sweetie you are welcome anytime, and we can get you a nice collection of sexy sarees ;)

    Hot Mess Express has a nice kick to it ;)

  7. Hey, who said you're never too old for change? Sounds like this is your time. Realizing what your mistakes were will help you. If I have any words of wisdom to offer you it's "be true to yourself".

  8. I tried the 30 day thing and I made it to Day 19 before it completely disappeared. I hope you have better luck. :)