Nothing like starting out positive. Awesome. Ok. Here goes nothing.
I don't know me much anymore. I have been someone for 10 years. Someone that I am not even sure I like. I decided to to this "30 day" for a little self exploration. However, I must warn you 30 days is quite a bit of commitment for me. Just sayin.
Shit I HATE about me:
I hate that there are so many things that I hate about myself. I hate that I don't like what I see when I even dare to look in the mirror. I hate my bingo arms. I hate that I let people take advantage of me, despite the fate that I am an intelligent successful woman. I hate that I give everyone else more forgiveness and appreciation than I am ever willing to give myself. I hate that I can't remember the last time I was truly happy. I hate that I have lived a lie for what should have been the best time of my life. I hate that I wasted it on false hope. I hate that when I look at old pictures of myself I see a huge smile and I don't know where that smile went. I hate having my picture taken but there are so few pictures of me at family gatherings and holidays I often feel forgotten or unworthy of a photo. I hate that I appear to have it all on the outside but the insides are so empty. I hate that I am so obsessed with dieting and losing weight as if being thinner will fill that void I'm always trying to fill. I hate that I have smelly feet. I hate that I don't believe in true love anymore and have somehow allowed myself to believe that I will never find it. That I perhaps don't deserve it. I hate that I am often pessimistic & hardened. I hate that I care so much about what other people think. I hate that I can think of hundreds of more things that I hate about myself.
But mostly, I hate that I had an affair with a married man which is beyond wrong and has led me to believe that I will never be happy without him & even though I never really "had" him, the scraps of him & "take what I can get's" attitude sustained me for so long.